5AM Runner

When It Hits the Fan


lighting and tornado stormI have to apologize to all of you in the most profound and sincere way possible.  It is not often that I am wrong…. but whenever I am – I am always man enough to quickly express my apologies and take the blame.  You know all that nonsense I have been preaching, all that craziness I’ve been babbling about for years – running, outdoor activities, early wakeups, pushing yourself – all that jazz!  Well, you can forget it; I don’t know what I was thinking all along, as my theories have just been exposed as incorrect, unnecessary and, for lack of a better term – foolish.

Listen, I will be the first to tell you – there is an easier way.  You don’t have to get up at 5 AM and run outside in the freezing wind.  What kind of a maniac would do that anyway?!  You can get the same, or from what I hear – even better amount of cardio by simply running on a treadmill!  Well, with a couple of minor adjustments.  Researchers (who normally obtain all their results by sitting in the lab and looking at computer screens) have determined that the only reason outdoor running may possibly burn a bit more calories is because of the air resistance!  That’s all it is!  So you can simply install some sort of a wind-generating device in your room, creating an artificial storm each time you use your treadmill, and you are all set!  Or – an even better suggestion from these researchers – simply set your treadmill to a higher elevation angle.  Apparently, all you need is only a 1% elevation angle, which equals things out.  On such an incline, with fake wind blowing in your face, you will actually perfectly imitate the outdoor running experience and achieve better results!  You may also want to close your eyes, so you can actually pretend you are outside, running in the wind.  Oh, and lower the temperature in the room, to fool yourself into believing that you are outside in the winter time.

Hey, whatever works!  Come to think of it, running is over-rated altogether!  In reality, just 20 minutes of sex can burn more calories than a 3-mile outdoor run!  And in most cases, it will count toward your stretching and yoga exercise time as well!  So forget all this running nonsense and just have sex – the more, the better!  No need for good quality running shoes, either.  Or you may choose to combine this suggestion of 20 minutes of sex with a wind-generating device mentioned above – will work even better!

I absolutely love all these suggestions and again would like to apologize to everyone for continuously suggesting that outdoor running first thing in the morning is more effective and beneficial to your cardio and weight loss goals.  OK, ok, so I can be wrong sometimes, so what – I am only human…. sort of.  In my silliness, I have always believed that there is no substitute for hard work and sacrifice, for blood and sweat, for paying the price.  But time and time again, I have been proven wrong and corrected I stand!  So with that in mind, DO NOT

Keep it running!